boundaries and walls

After glancing through a book called Taking Care of Yourself First No Matter What, I began to think about our obligations to self vs. obligations to others. It is troubling to me that this should always be the right choice, given that, objectively, our needs are not more important than the needs of others. Putting myself always first would seem to suggest that my interests deserve more attention. Why?

One answer might be the egoist's claim to efficiency. I am better equipped to meet my needs than yours. If we place no demands upon one another, everyone is free to focus on meeting their own needs. I know myself better than you know me and I have more control over my life than I have over yours. Furthermore, some things cannot be fixed by others.

Kant emphasized equality between our obligations to self and others. On his view, my own needs are as important as yours. I shouldn't use others, nor should I allow others to use me. Kant's notion of self-respect retains obligations to others, just not to the extent that we devalue our own autonomy. On the other hand, Christian and Muslim ethics promote self-sacrifice as a virtue. Women bear the legacy of generations trained in the virtues of self-sacrifice.  As a result, deeply ingrained social expectations push us to forsake our own ambitions to support the dreams of partners and children. Men also sacrifice themselves for others, and while praised, it seems less demanded.

 However, my main concern here does not address gender, but what we all lose in pursuit of independence.  Perhaps certain cases call for over-correction. When one tends to the extreme (an excess of self-sacrifice), one must practice the opposite extreme (excess self-interest) in the hopes of finding the middle. Aristotle described this as the road from vice to virtue. Both extremes are vice. Theoretically, balance between self and other-interest is best. In practice, the process pushes us to cruelty and pulls us apart--walls stand between persons in our pursuit of boundaries.

Rock climbing offers an alternative model.  Partnership is necessary; one cannot climb alone. Your climbing partner cannot scale the wall for you, and yet safety requires alternating dependency between partners. I offer a safety line for you and you for me. I believe that is the model of a life well lived--we scale walls isolating us from one another by complex interdependence not simple independence.