Thursday, September 13, 2012

wanting mind

Wanting mind is a crackhead squirrel (not merely caffeinated) working up a sweat in my head.  Here's whats on today's treadmill:

Pema Chodron: All the emotions  we experience are exactly what we need to be fully human.

Tara Brock: If a vicious dog charges, whistle for it.

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Wanting mind:

Wanting something means I must be lacking, missing out, left behind, incomplete.  Intellectually, theoretically, I believe that happiness comes from within, yet here land again--caught up in wanting mind.  Fear follows from want. I'm afraid of the hole in my heart, scared that it will never be filled.

Mistake  #1: thinking that contentment requires approval (the prize, the guy, publication, tenure).

Solution: Be present. (yada yada, the squirrel interjects)

Practice: Assume this moment is enough exactly as it is. If that's the case I better pay better attention, because part of me doesn't believe it. Value where I already stand and hope to see more clearly who I am.
 And until I feel in my heart what I know in my head?

Response and Reaction: 

Experiment #1: Notice when fear and wanting affect my actions.

Axiom: Lean into fear rather than run away.

Initial Application:  Day of teaching observation. Typically, my work comes before other concerns. Why? I am afraid of losing my job (or not getting tenure).  What would I do if I weren't afraid of losing my job?  I would go for a quick run instead of reviewing my lecture notes.

Result: I went for a run. The fear was still there--but I just let it hang out with me.  Teaching observation went great, but more importantly, I got to enjoy what I have now instead of being scared away by the thought of not getting what I want.

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